Misogynists left in the Gutters

Men who can't Adapt are being Left Behind

By Charles Moffat - February 2008.

We live in an era of men who have embraced the benefits of feminism, metrosexuals, stay-at-home dads and a stronger emphasis on psychology and the value of proper parenting. Dads in our era are being asked to jump through more hoops than ever before. They are expected to take turns cooking, cleaning and taking care of kids.

But the traditional males, the men who believe that such activities are somehow beneath them, continue to resist such activities. They believe, rather firmly, that such things are jobs of women and that men have no business doing such activities and are, essentially, "male pussies" for doing so.

It is that fear of pussification, that level of resistance to domestic duties, that I believe is a contributor to divorces and breaking up families.

For decades traditional men have been blaming feminists for divorces and breaking up the traditional idea of family, but I would argue that this is completely false. It is the traditional, conservative men who are at fault.

Think about it: A husband that works and also takes turns cooking and cleaning and has a happy and successful marriage.

Vs. A traditional husband that works and becomes a lazy oaf the moment they return home and ends up with a divorce because he refused to do his share.

It is obviously easier to be lazy. Nobody wants to cook and clean all the time. It simply isn't enjoyable, no matter how many shiny new cleaning gadgets you buy. But is it really worth to be lazy when it comes to your marriage and your kids?

Working women have stress too. When they come home from work they don't really want a lazy husband who can't lift a finger to help make meals and tidy up after kids. To help relieve that stress they need a husband who will help share the burden. Refusing to do so will result in more arguments and more stress.

After awhile that stress at home will doubtless end in a loss of sexual appetite, and in turn the combination will ruin the marriage and lead to divorce.

These days parents are also much more likely to get takeout food, delivery or eat out. (So to some extent you could blame working parents for a rise in obesity rates.) While this method of eating out more often does reduce stress for the parents, it is kind of ignoring the problem.

I would argue that there is solutions:

For rich couples there is the option of hiring maids, chefs and nannies. (Although frankly I would say that is shifting the burden onto someone else.)

For middle class couples you might consider hiring a teenager a couple times a week to help clean, cook and babysit.

For poor couples the options become very limited. The best solution is to simply share the burden, teach your kids to clean up after themselves (possibly by giving them chores for allowances) and hopefully make ends meet.

For the traditional, conservative married man however this would be like admitting patriarchy is wrong and that they need to be sharing the workload as equal parents.

Flip Side of the Problem

In theory divorced women should know better and avoid misogynists, correct? But that doesn't work in practice. Some women are simply attracted to misogynist men in the first place. See Mating Habits of the Alpha Male for more on that topic.

So even though some women get divorced and become more discerning when it comes to choosing a mate they may end up making the same mistake again.

Perhaps we shouldn't be surprised. Misogynists might make fairly good boyfriends over the short term, but in long term relationships they simply aren't ready to be husbands or parents.

My advice for women? Think twice about marrying a man who rarely even takes out the trash or washes the dishes. Or worse, still lives with his mother.

And you may think you can change him, but it is doubtful. He would have to be at least open the prospect of sharing the burden of parenthood otherwise you might as well be raising the kids by yourself (because frankly, you will be).

Into the Gutters?

As years go by these misogynist men become so bitter that they can't have long term relationships unless it is with women with extremely low self-esteems.

If it is the latter we can assume that such relationships end up in domestic violence.

But as more and more women these days are following careers and have better self-esteems less and less women are willing to stay in such abusive relationships.

How do we know this? Statistics on domestic violence have been dropping for women who are educated and have careers.

Overall however domestic violence remains almost unchanged. So obviously society still needs to do more to both educate men and women, but also to create harsher penalties for domestic violence.

Violence Against Women Statistics

One-half of all Canadian women have experienced at least one incident of violence since the age of 16.

Almost one-half of women reported violence by men known to them and one-quarter reported violence by a stranger.

One-quarter of all women have experienced violence at the hands of their current or past marital partner (includes common-law unions).

One-in-six currently married women reported violence by their spouses; one-half of women with previous marriages reported violence by a previous spouse.

More than one-in-ten women who reported violence in a current marriage have at some point felt their lives were in danger.

Six-in-ten Canadian women who walk alone in their own area after dark feel 'very' or 'somewhat' worried doing so.

Women with violent fathers-in-law are at three times the risk of assault by their partners than are women with non-violent fathers-in-law.

Prevalence and severity of abuse

One in four Canadian women suffer some form of abuse by their partners.

Women are at greatest risk of increased violence – or murder – at the hands of their partner during the time just before or after they leave an abusive relationship.

Spousal homicide accounts for 15% of all homicides in Canada. In the 10 year period between 1979 and 1998, 1,901 people were killed by a spouse: 1,468 women and 433 men. A woman is nine times more likely to be murdered by an intimate partner than by a stranger.

Domestic abuse remains an immensely under-reported crime: it is estimated that just 25% of domestic violence incidents are reported.

Effect on children

Approximately 40% of wife assault incidents begin during a woman’s first pregnancy.

Children are present and witness the abuse in 80% of domestic violence cases.

Boys who witness domestic violence against their mothers are five times more likely to grow up to be abusers while girls who witness violence are five times more likely to grow up to be victims of abuse.

Children and adolescents who see their mother being abused experience emotional and behavioural problems similar to children who are physically abused.

Children who witness woman abuse frequently experience post traumatic stress disorder.

The cost of domestic violence

The costs associated with physical and sexual violence against women in Canada total over $4.2 billion each year. This includes medical fees, police services, social agencies, income assistance, unemployment, the justice system, educational support and temporary housing.

The preceding information is a compilation of data and reports from several sources including Statistics Canada, the Ministry of the Solicitor General, Education Wife Assault, Toronto, the Ontario Women’s Directorate, the Centre for Research on Violence Against Women and Children, Interim Place service statistics.